Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
