i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
