Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
