I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
