he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
