Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
