Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
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I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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