3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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