Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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