I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
