I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
