Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
