she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
