Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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