Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
