and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
