Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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