I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
