life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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