areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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