I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
