Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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