i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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