I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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