I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
