Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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