Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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