I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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