Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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