A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
