Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
