Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This house was built for laser tag.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
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Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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