whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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