Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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