you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
