dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
