So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
