Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
