Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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