By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
