I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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