ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
