he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
