I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
