so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
