its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
