Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
