K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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