I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
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My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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