On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
