can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
