some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
