You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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