We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
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I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
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I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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