plz talk dirty to me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
