Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
